This Life.

This post is dedicated to all women, most especially women who have been diagnosed with breast cancer. With love, Karen. 

This Life

Do not be afraid of this life
Of you
The real you
The rushing blood you
The roaring you
Silenced by the mind.
That sound you run from for your whole life
Frightened of its power
The ear-splitting shattering 
All-encompassing
Over-powering
Bone-forming you.
It's been there this whole time
Screaming 
Forgotten 
Waiting. 
Jump into the flooding
The rumbling
Don't dip your toes
Your pinky
Take the leap 
Now.
Your only life as you
The rushing blood you
This life.

(c) 2015 Karen Nordseth Roos 

Special love and thanks to Kristy Q. at Black and Blue Tattoo. 

Friends of SHE IS STILL MAMA: Mother's Day 2015 Update

Dear Friends of SHE IS STILL MAMA,

Happy Mother's Day to all of you who are mamas yourselves! I'm happy to update you on the progress of my children's picture book about a young child whose Mama has breast cancer: SHE IS STILL MAMA on CrowdRise.

After the SCBWI writers and illustrators conference, I did another revision of the manuscript, and then let my work on this book take a rest. Perhaps those of you who write, are artists, or who engage in any creative pursuit, will understand the cycles appearing in how I work -- just like a breath, I have a burst of inspiration and energy and then a period of complete letting go. There's no way to realistically stay in that creating mode constantly. It flows like waves. At first, I was nervous about the silence in the pauses. I thought I wasn't working hard enough. But I have since learned to trust and embrace the digestion and integration that needs to take place in an artistic process. Of course, a pause on one manuscript leaves room to work on another and to write brand new stories, but that's a different update!

What's Next?
I want to let you in on a new goal in my publication process. While I made and stand by a firm commitment to seeing SHE IS STILL MAMA in print by choosing self-publication, at the same time I am pursuing representation with a literary agent. If I can get support and visibility in the trade publishing world, SHE IS STILL MAMA will have a much greater reach to families facing breast cancer (and hence, more donations to my chosen non-profit!). So, I am working both sides, and whichever happens first wins! And no matter what, your donations are contributing in a concrete and meaningful way towards this project. Whether to help me distribute, market, and buy art supplies or go directly to the non-profit, every single dollar will make SHE IS STILL MAMA a reality. Of course the ultimate goal is to get this book in the hands of families who need it. I look forward to keeping you posted!

Will you donate to help me reach my goal?

Every single donation (large and small) directly serves to put SHE IS STILL MAMA into the hands of children and their families who need it.

You really can make a difference. Huge thanks to all of you who have donated!

Please consider Donating Now

Want to know more about SHE IS STILL MAMA?

I have decided to self-publish my picture book so that I can give directly to women and men who are living their lives with cancer. From free yoga and art classes, to "Look Good, Feel Better" seminars, workshops for family and consults with nurses, Katz Cancer Center helps real people facing cancer every day. All of their services are free of charge without question, for anyone with cancer, either undergoing treatment or fully recovered.
(http://www.dominicanhospital.org/Medical_Services/Cancer_Care/052801).

SHE IS STILL MAMA is written for the young child (2-6 years old), and provides a unique view into the topic of breast cancer. Very few books approach this subject with young children and yet, there are hundreds of thousands of women diagnosed with breast cancer every year. Since 1999, incidence rates of certain types of breast cancer have increased in younger women (Breast Cancer Facts & Figures, 2009-2010, American Cancer Society). Mothers with breast cancer are in need of targeted support for their young children.

Thank you so much for your ongoing support,

Karen 

Rhyming Picture Book of the Week: Miss Spider's Tea Party

A classic favorite for many years, I've read David Kirk's Miss Spider's Tea Party to my children over and over, and I never tire of it. This is my favorite this week also because its rhythm and meter reminds me of the one I am using for a rhyming picture book of my own! Happy Friday, everyone!

One place to buy Miss Spider's Tea Party

What is #rhypibomo?

Rhyming Picture Book of the Week: It's Only Stanley

I love this book. My kids love this book. I think my dog loves this book. It's out of this world. It's Only Stanley, by Jon Agee.

I love how it was a story before it was a rhyme. I just know it was. I love the ease about it. I love how the first time I read it, I had no idea what was going on (I didn't read the inside flap). I love the sound effects. I love how every time I read it, I find some new detail to feel joy about.

One place to buy It's Only Stanley

Rhyming Picture Book of the Week: Once Upon a Memory

This week's favorite rhyming picture book is Once Upon a Memory, by Nina Laden. I love the mood of this story, as well as the inquiring and thoughtful language. My favorite line in the book is "Does a cake remember it once was grain? Does an ocean remember it once was rain?"A lovely, quiet, poetic story.

One place to buy Once Upon a Memory

Rhyming Picture Book of the Week: Mother Earth and Her Children

Every Friday as part of RhyPiBoMo I will be sharing a rhyming picture book that I read and loved that week. Today I am sharing an adaptation of a beautiful spring book by Sibylle Von Olfers, called Mother Earth and Her Children, A Quilted Fairy Tale. This gorgeous book has been translated into rhyming verse by Jack Zipes, and the illustrations are images from a glorious quilt, sewn by artist Sieglinde Schoen Smith.

The verse is simple and has an ease and lightness that suit the intricate details of the quilt. Special thanks and love to my mother, Helen for sending this book to my littlest on the first day of spring! xo

A Lovely Book Review
Where to buy the book
What is RhyPiBoMo?

Friends of SHE IS STILL MAMA: March 2015 Update

Happy Spring! I am so pleased to update you on the progress of SHE IS STILL MAMA, my not-for-profit children's book about breast cancer. 

I recently returned from a hugely inspiring conference hosted by The Society of Children's Book Writers and Illustrators. It was a breakthrough weekend for me -- as illustrator particularly. I decided at the last moment to present my portfolio and I'm so glad I did. I had a chance to come out of my shell and introduce my artwork in front of 100 people. I've never been more nervous! Showing my art is such a vulnerable experience. I also had the opportunity to meet and work with Caldecott Honor Award winning illustrator, E. B. Lewis. I learned so much about illustrating picture books. Authors and illustrators alike are equal storytellers: one tells through the word; the other tells through the pictures.

My current approach to illustrating SHE IS STILL MAMA is working with my daughter's watercolor paintings from kindergarten. Using the watercolor as a starting point, I add layers of chalk pastel to create the scene. Here is a peek at the process!

What's next?

The story text is in excellent shape. I received insightful feedback from my critique group, which I am working on incorporating. I'm also moving forward with illustrations, taking what I learned at the SCBWI Conference and kicking everything up a notch! I now have the confidence to make big strides toward a winning picture book.

Will you donate to help me reach my goal?

Every single donation (large & small) directly serves to put SHE IS STILL MAMA into the hands of children and their families who need it.

You really are making a difference. Huge thanks to all of you who have donated!

https://www.crowdrise.com/sheisstillmamaahand-drawnchildrenspicturebook/fundraiser/karenroos1

Want to know more about SHE IS STILL MAMA?

I have decided to self-publish my picture book so that I can give directly to women and men who are living their lives with cancer. From free yoga and art classes, to "Look Good, Feel Better" seminars, workshops for family and consults with nurses, Katz Cancer Center helps real people facing cancer every day. All of their services are free of charge without question, for anyone with cancer, either undergoing treatment or fully recovered.
(http://www.dominicanhospital.org/Medical_Services/Cancer_Care/052801).

SHE IS STILL MAMA is written for the young child (2-6 years old), and provides a unique view into the topic of breast cancer. Very few books approach this subject with young children and yet, there are hundreds of thousands of women diagnosed with breast cancer every year. Since 1999, incidence rates of certain types of breast cancer have increased in younger women (Breast Cancer Facts & Figures, 2009-2010, American Cancer Society). Mothers with breast cancer are in need of targeted support for their young children.

Tattoo Update

On April 6th, I will get my first tattoo. Over the years, I've been intrigued by tattoos, and even open to them. I just never felt connected to a particular image or symbol that I wanted on my body for the rest of my life. 

Now, I find myself in a position where a tattoo is not only a statement, but a reclaiming, a redefining and a healing of my body and my soul. 

A lot of women (but definitely not all) who have had a mastectomy undergo reconstruction. And one of the things that we have to face is the nipple situation. A reconstructed breast doesn't have a nipple. This is added later, either created by a plastic surgeon or a tattoo artist. There are 3-D nipple tattoos that look quite natural and are very popular. 

For me though, there are a few things going on. First, I have one natural breast and nipple and one reconstructed breast (no nipple). So, it would be challenging to create a symmetrical nipple that has the matching skin tone to my real nipple. But to be honest, I never even got that far. Because I don't feel like my reconstructed breast is a breast at all.

In my mind, I definitely do not need a nipple. It's been almost two years since my mastectomy and reconstruction, and I'm just barely getting reconnected to this part of my body. I'm not sure whether this will ever feel like a breast to me. (So, hint: no nipple tattoo for me.)

My tattoo artist is Kristy Quinones at Black and Blue Tattoo in San Francisco. She is working with my inspirations to create the perfect design for me. The artistic elements are particular to my breast cancer experience, and at the same time transcend that journey and speak to my life as a whole. I can hardly wait. 

* Photo Credits: all photos are from p.ink/personal ink Pinterest boards https://www.pinterest.com/personalink/

Boob Ink

I'm planning my mastectomy tattoo. Some of you might be surprised by this. Here's how it happened. 

I met a lovely friend, a fellow breast cancer survivor who came to look at some shoes I was selling. She didn't buy the shoes, but we found we have some common ground in life. Different shoes but similar path. She recently had her mastectomy tattoo done by a P.ink artist in San Francisco. P.ink stands for Personal Ink and provides tattoo ideas and artist info to breast cancer survivors. https://www.pinterest.com/personalink/

My new friend inspired me to start thinking about a new phase of my healing process. I've gone through surgeries, treatments and they've left their marks on my body. I've had reconstruction of my left breast (although it doesn't feel like a breast anymore to me), and I've sat with it the way it is for over a year. I really don't want to do a nipple construction (see above comment about not feeling like this is a breast), and haven't thought much about body art. Until now. 

I am just starting out in my process. First I looked at bunches of mastectomy tattoos and could easily point out what I don't want. No offense at all to other women's choices. It's so personal. But some of the art and placement just doesn't appeal to me. 

Slowly, images starting coming to me. Things that have special meaning to my particular transformation, ignited by a breast cancer diagnosis. I'm collecting inspirations on my Pinterest board here: http://pinterest.com/karencroos/body-art/

Do you have a tattoo? What inspired you to do body art? 

Inspire me.

How can I inspire you? I'm not that woman wearing pink. I'm not that woman walking a 5k. I'm not that woman with a survivor t shirt. I'm not always positive and full of hope. I'm not always grateful for every day I'm alive. I'm not living in fear of death. Sometimes I'm defiant. Sometimes I'm angry. Really pissed. Sometimes I feel like shit. Sometimes I'm not willing to take any more chemicals into my body. Sometimes I'm not willing to do whatever it takes at any cost. At any cost. Sometimes I'm reaching out for help. Help to stay whole. Help to raise money in hopes I can continue alternative treatment. Sometimes I'm just a regular human. How does that inspire you?

Just a Routine Mammogram

This isn't a routine mammogram. It'll never be a routine mammogram again

Actually, I've never had a routine mammogram. The first time I ever had one was after finding a lump in my left breast a year ago. That's when I found out I had stage three breast cancer. 

So you see, I had a reason to be bawling in the waiting room. 

When the technician came out after the mammogram and told me, "We'd like you to have an ultrasound. You can just wait here; we're going to squeeze you in.", my carefully guarded and fragile togetherness fell apart. 

I knew this place, I had been here before. This is the place where they told me I had a tumor and it was most likely cancerous. A biopsy later confirmed that. How could I be in this story again? Did I deserve this? Did I not work hard enough on myself? Did I not do the inner work that was needed? Did I forget something? What lesson did I still need to learn? All of this going through my head and my heart as I sat for 30 minutes waiting for the ultrasound. I felt closer to my fear of death than I've ever been before. 

It took me days to recover from the shock of that morning. My friend told me it was like PTSD. I get that now. I learned that never again will I be visiting the screening lab alone. No matter how many Lion's Breaths. No matter how much meditation, prayers and feelings of calm assuredness. 

It turned out I had two tiny cysts in my right breast. Completely normal and very common, cysts come and go in women's breast tissue. The reality of those results never hit me; I was in such a state of shock that I couldn't feel relief. I just wiped off the gel, put my shirt on, texted my family and drove home to my babies. 

Feathered Friends

It could be chemo brain. Or just one of those things that, once a routine, you no longer recall how it all began. Suffice it to say that about four months ago I started picking up feathers on my walks. 

When I began chemo, it became especially important to me to move my body every day. At first it was walks up and down our little road in the woods. Later, I adopted Quail Hollow Ranch as my refuge and hiking place. I also began a ritual of walking by the ocean on chemo Thursdays. 

Somewhere along the way, in those early days of chemo, I began to pick up feathers in my path while on my daily walks. As the days and walks added up, I realized that I was making an important and amazing connection with our feathered friends. I began to find feathers every time I walked. Sometimes one or two, sometimes a dozen. Once, when faced with a difficult decision (whether or not to continue with chemo), I found an amazing array of feathers all in one spot along my path, guiding me to the right answer. 

As I accumulated a larger and larger bowlful of feathers, I decided that when I was finished with chemo I would do an art project with them. Perhaps I will make myself a pair of wings, that will allow me to take off and soar from this place, taking everything I've learned and incorporating it all into who I am now. I'll share more on that process when the time comes. 

I am looking forward to being done with chemo, but it will be hard to ever stop looking for feathers in my path. 

Why I Chose to do Chemotherapy

So here's the deal. I'm not going to cite all the research. I'll only give you my statistics for a cure rate of my particular cancer. The thing is, decisions about treatment come down to feelings. After you've done all the research, spoken with multiple healing practitioners (conventional and alternative), read many books -- all those head-related things -- your decision comes down to your heart and what feels right for you. You meditate, pray, consult with the trees, the angels. You ask the universe for a sign (and get it). You sleep on it. Then you make a choice and move forward. Of course if you're like me, you revisit your decision and question again. And again. Especially when it feels like you're dying inside and everything feels all wrong about doing chemotherapy. 

"Big medicine." This is how I describe chemotherapy to my two-year-old son. 

After my mastectomy and axillary lymph node dissection, I was given a 50% chance of recurrence had I done no further conventional treatment. With hormone therapy and chemotherapy, that figure dropped to 20%. In other words, I now have an 80% chance of never having cancer again. 

Chemotherapy was one of my hugest fears related to having cancer. It is the one thing I wanted to avoid (probably why I needed to face it!). It goes so far against how I want to treat my body. It is the ugly thing that shows the world that I have cancer and am ill (Crazy! I am not sick!). But I chose to include chemotherapy in my healing treatment menagerie because I want to do everything I can to prevent recurrence. It is not the only treatment I am using, however, to create a healthy, whole me. It may have the biggest teeth, but I firmly believe that for my cancer, it is the combination of conventional and alternative traditional medicine that is the most powerful. 

How do you feel about chemotherapy? Did you know that Taxol (one of the three chemotherapy drugs I have taken) comes from the Pacific Northwest Yew tree bark?

Future Wings

I just have to think that -- along with everything in life -- there are multiple facets to this cancer thing. It isn't just a physical dis-ease. There are soul and spiritual elements which present an undeniable call for growth and transformation. Is breast cancer a spiritual journey? Is any dis-ease or illness a potential awakening? 

I discovered a lump and was diagnosed with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma on Good Friday, 2013. I had surgery on May 16, 2013. Left mastectomy. I began chemotherapy on July 5, 2013. Adriamycin, Cytoxan, Taxol. This is a blog about my experiences, treatments, thoughts, feelings, decisions... as I walk through the fire. 

Business as Usual

As part of our Business Math block, Arriana created a small business project. This project illustrates in a practical and real-world way many of the concepts we studied in this block: the usefulness of money, division of labor, percents, pricing, and more.

Since there's an annual Children's Craft Fair at our local Boys and Girls Club, and the timing was perfect, we decided to participate. All items are handmade completely by the children, who run their own table and transactions.

Arriana made most of the decisions about her business on her own. She knew right away, for example, that she wanted to make photo cards. She also wanted to make cookies, and we talked about how her customers could buy her cards as gifts for someone, and buy her cookies to enjoy during the Fair. It was a winning combination. Over Thanksgiving, Arriana learned how to make pom-poms, and then added some to her inventory. She also threw in at the last minute some bundles of dried sage.

Arriana determined her own pricing, including calculating her costs per item and considering her customers. She came up with $2.00 per card, and 3 cards for $5.00 (actually, I think her Dad came up with that last deal). Her pom-poms were a steal at $1.00. They are super labor intensive! Cookies were $0.50. Sage sticks were $1.00.

Handmade signs, twinkle lights, and a festive table cloth rounded out Arriana's table display. Sales were brisk on Fair day! Arriana did quite well, selling out of both pom-poms and sage sticks. She also fared well with her main product: the photo cards. They were a hit, and though she didn't sell out, she did make quite a good return. After all expenses were considered, Arriana earned over $40.00. She also had such a good time and wants to participate again next year!

A Roman Journey

It was a battle of sorts. Of course it was, it being Rome.

Having just completed a four-week expedition into Roman history, I can assuredly say it was at times a battle. For me, there were several elements that contributed to this mood. First, I did not have a solid background in Roman history. I had to fight to learn, to get a grasp on the timeline of major events from the founding of Rome to Julius Caesar. I was unable to get a big picture ahead of time. Instead, I was lucky to stay one step ahead of my student.

Second, my daughter and I both share a relative disinterest in stories of war, conquer, and all that is in between. In my research, I tired of the tedious chronicles of legions, Kings and Consuls. I had to dig for the gems that she could relate to. Stories of the feminine: Vestal Virgins, drunken muses, stoic mothers.

Third, I encountered the warrior in my 12 year-old daughter. And she can be tough, argumentative, infuriating. Pushing pushing pushing for justice. Where is the law? Am I a worthy Consul?

At points all along the way, despite these challenges, we did encounter experiences of true learning, interest and wonder. Some of the Highlights of our Roman studies include:

• Reading The Aeneid.

• Painting the myth of Romulus and Remus.

• Writing an essay on King Numa Pompilius.

• Following the larger-than-life Hannibal.

• Studying Patricians and the oppressed Plebians. And those who fought for justice.

• Inscribing "O Roma Nobilis" onto a wax tablet.

Looking ahead to our future Rome block, I feel confident that I will be more prepared. I have a better sense now of the Roman mood, culture, and events, and will be able to settle us into a rhythm much more quickly. The battles of the past four weeks have surely made me wiser. And in the end, truth be told, everybody won.

The Awe-Inspiring Aeneid

One of the most wonderful things about being a teacher is not knowing. Having to go through the process of learning (or re-learning), discovering and awakening interest in a subject creates a magic called enthusiasm. Enthusiasm is the single most loving gift a teacher can impart on her students.

I'll be totally honest. Although I had a good public school education, and a decent university education (complete with honors humanities, psychology and business courses), I really don't know much. I got good grades and did my school work well. But I don't really know anything. I'm the worst trivial pursuit player ever. Knowing stuff is just not my gig. I can, however, learn pretty well.

Now I'm pretty certain that in the aforementioned humanities course, among the 100+ books we read over two years, was Virgil's The Aeneid. But when I checked it out from our local library last week, it was as though I was seeing it for the first time. I learned a few things about this epic (in every sense of the word) poem that really inspired me as I prepared to share it with my 6th grade daughter.

We are embarking on the study of Ancient Rome over the course of 3-4 weeks. My task as history teacher is to give a picture of the true essence of the time. I'm not trying to fill my daughter's brain with facts. I want her to be able to see the people, to smell the land, to taste their foods, to conceive of their honor of law, their lust for battle. We will study individuals whose characters help shape her growing sense of an ancient people. A people with whom we are vastly connected in our modern existence.

The Aeneid is an ancient text. Just touching the pages of a translated copy of the work connects me to Virgil himself. He was a tall, dark-skinned man, who spoke very slowly. I can imagine him reading to Augustus and Octavia 2,000 years ago.

The Aeneid was studied by Romans and by Medieval students. People for centuries were educated on this amazing poem which documents the travails of Aeneas, the Trojan who escaped Troy. He was intercepted over and over by Juno, who did not want him to find a new homeland. But the gods knew his fate was to ultimately lay his roots in what would be known forever as Rome.

The Aeneid was so revered that it was considered an oracle. People used to open the book to a random passage and read it to know what lay in their future.

I have chosen to read books two and six aloud to my daughter. It's a beautiful thing to take the time to read this work out loud. The words flow sweetly, rhythmically, and make me wonder what it would be like to learn Latin and read the original work. Thank god for a lovely translation!

And now, I'm off to research Dactylic hexameter....

In the Kitchen on Poppy Mountain

Are you a recipe lover? Here's a wrap-up of eight of our most popular kid-made snacks this summer. Consider adding them to your repertoire for school lunches!

Seed Crackers

Super seed crackers

Curry Balsamic Roasted Chickpeas

White Bean and Cherry Tomato Salad

Making bean salad

Quinoa Fruit Salad

Sweet Potato and Black Bean Quesadilla

Quesadillas in the solar oven

Crispy Kale

Dandelion Pesto

Dandelion Pesto

Breakfast Cookie:

Ingredients: 1.5 cups of rolled oats, 2-3 super ripe bananas, 1 cup of unsweetened applesauce, 2T ground flax seed, a handful of raisins (or other dried fruit), Cinnamon to taste. Just throw everything together in a bowl, mix it up pretty well. Drop spoonfuls onto a baking sheet at 350 for about 35 minutes.

Breakfast cookies with turkey bacon

Highlights from Poppy Mountain Summer Enrichment

Weaving suns at the Solstice

Sweet discovery on the first day

Sidewalk painting

Summer Solstice

Solar oven quesadillas

Wet felting and needle felting

Creek fun!

Pastel drawing of Scorpion

Happy Gnomes :-)

Painting with plants

Snake hunter

Beautiful blackberries

Lovely creek time

Catching dreams

Watercolor: Luna and Sage

Baking bread in terra cotta pots

Basket weaving

Luna with Golden Acorn

Sage's Three Tasks & Our Last Day

Bear Spirit had given Sage Three Tasks. Sage must complete each challenge in order to free Luna and bring her back to Poppy Mountain.

Bear Spirit spoke: "First, you must return to Scorpion Rock and lift the rock carefully. Ask the Scorpion Mother for one of her babies. You are to take the Baby Scorpion, tending to it with great care. Feed it a mushroom growing next to the creek beneath the Crooked Oak Tree. Once the Baby Scorpion has eaten the mushroom, it will speak to you the Secret of the Moon. Remember what the Scorpion says, for you will be asked by Luna the next time you see her.

"The second day you must follow your footsteps taken with Luna -- backwards -- from Scorpion Rock, across Rocky Ridge and finish at the exact spot where you first met. There you will find a Golden Acorn, which you must keep in your satchel. Make a chain of gold from pounded gold flakes you will find in the creek. Hang the Golden Acorn on the chain and give this talisman to Luna the next time you meet.

"On the third day, as soon as you awaken, you must go and drink from the deep pool in the creek. Take three long drinks. You will then be visited by Water Snake. He will show you how to braid with sweet grass, a braid just like Luna's hair. You must dry and then burn the grass. The rising smoke will be your final key to bringing Luna back to Poppy Mountain."

Sage awoke the next morning and was exhausted from his busy sleep and his visit from the Animal Spirit Counsel. In his heart he had his Three Tasks. His mind was questioning why he had to do this to see his friend again? But his Spirit in his heart knew that it mustn't be questioned. It must be done. He set off toward Scorpion Rock....

~^~^~

 The story has been told. Did Sage free his friend, Luna, from behind the stone door? Only the children on Poppy Mountain know.

Our final day was spent listening to the tale, making cookies, drawing something from the story, and visiting the swimming hole in Zayante Creek.

Thank you to YOU for reading this blog and following along with Poppy Mountain's summer adventures. I am grateful for a beautiful, creative, active summer spent with delightful children, and my own daughter and baby son. Many blessings to you all! With love...