Inspire me.

How can I inspire you? I'm not that woman wearing pink. I'm not that woman walking a 5k. I'm not that woman with a survivor t shirt. I'm not always positive and full of hope. I'm not always grateful for every day I'm alive. I'm not living in fear of death. Sometimes I'm defiant. Sometimes I'm angry. Really pissed. Sometimes I feel like shit. Sometimes I'm not willing to take any more chemicals into my body. Sometimes I'm not willing to do whatever it takes at any cost. At any cost. Sometimes I'm reaching out for help. Help to stay whole. Help to raise money in hopes I can continue alternative treatment. Sometimes I'm just a regular human. How does that inspire you?

Just a Routine Mammogram

This isn't a routine mammogram. It'll never be a routine mammogram again

Actually, I've never had a routine mammogram. The first time I ever had one was after finding a lump in my left breast a year ago. That's when I found out I had stage three breast cancer. 

So you see, I had a reason to be bawling in the waiting room. 

When the technician came out after the mammogram and told me, "We'd like you to have an ultrasound. You can just wait here; we're going to squeeze you in.", my carefully guarded and fragile togetherness fell apart. 

I knew this place, I had been here before. This is the place where they told me I had a tumor and it was most likely cancerous. A biopsy later confirmed that. How could I be in this story again? Did I deserve this? Did I not work hard enough on myself? Did I not do the inner work that was needed? Did I forget something? What lesson did I still need to learn? All of this going through my head and my heart as I sat for 30 minutes waiting for the ultrasound. I felt closer to my fear of death than I've ever been before. 

It took me days to recover from the shock of that morning. My friend told me it was like PTSD. I get that now. I learned that never again will I be visiting the screening lab alone. No matter how many Lion's Breaths. No matter how much meditation, prayers and feelings of calm assuredness. 

It turned out I had two tiny cysts in my right breast. Completely normal and very common, cysts come and go in women's breast tissue. The reality of those results never hit me; I was in such a state of shock that I couldn't feel relief. I just wiped off the gel, put my shirt on, texted my family and drove home to my babies.